The Prize Wife

Published on November 30, 2004 By DagnyGrl In Life Journals

Freedom has such a bitter taste on days when you don't want it. From day to day my mind does gymnastics around this concept of divorce. I don't want to be divorced. I don't want to be a divorcee. I don't want to have to check that box that screams, yes, I'm a failure at marriage for all the clerks of the world to see and pass judgement on. This is only one side of how I feel though. I also can't wait to just be Faith the person, instead of Faith the wife. I will forever be Emma's mom and I would never want to get away from that title. I wonder if I will ever get married again? I was so leary to get married in the first place because primarily, all I've seen are failures. I know there is someone out there who will truly care and love me. There is one man out there who will make love to me and love me simply for who I am, and not for what they see as a prize. I've been a trophy for so long and this pedestal is awfully high and perilous, not to mention old. I feel like I'm on stage all the time now. I have to watch everything I say and do because I don't want him to know I'm going yet. He asked for the divorce, we filed the paperwork, and now he's changed his mind. Well good for him, but I haven't changed mine - some days.

The most important thing in my life is my daughter, and I have to keep her in mind when my co-dependency starts to take over. I don't want to stay and have her think what we have is a healthy relationship. I don't want her to grow up thinking it's alright for men to be emotionally and verbally abusive to you. I have to leave for her sake if nothing else, but I also have to do it for myself. I don't deserve to be treated the way I am.

I hope, and some days, that's enough.

Comments

Lengirl

on Nov 30, 2004

Hi, I hope I'm not putting my nose in where it doesn't belong...

Making life changing decisions are never easy, and there is always that little bit of doubt asking 'is this right?'. The problem is for every tiny bit of doubt there is a huge power screaming "I need to get out!! this needs to change!" I think it is this you should listen to.

You sound like you need to find yourself again, and though it is brilliant you want to be there for your daughter she'll be much better supported by a mother who know's who she is and is happy with herself and life. If you need someone to talk to, ( a stranger who won't judge) feel free to contact me awpyoung@hotmail.com.

Lengirl
xox

Faith

on Dec 01, 2004

I don't mind your two cents at all! I can't email you at your account because this is a secret thing I do as an outlet annd therefore, can't do at home. I'm open to any comments though here though! You're so right about life changes. I know I've made the right decision, and if I just left it would be easier. With that said, I'd rather stay the next couple of months so I can pay off debt and save a small nest egg to start my daughter and I up back in California. It's a difficult position to be in, but in the end, it's whats best in the long run.

Cordelia

on Dec 02, 2004

Dagny, are you aware that you can hide your true identity whike on JU? Considering the actions of your husband the week before your wedding, perhaps hiding yourself a little better would be a good idea. I do NOT wish to hear of a repeat of that adventure, or worse. Or worse. Get away from that man. Got yer back sister!

KH

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