So, here I am on my first blog. Shall I be witty, angry, clever, upset? Dare I say happy? No, I dare not....be. Life right now is such a reach. Down, down into some recylable paper cup where little straws taunt me. Pick me! Pick me! You insane momma! Well, I'd truly love to select one, but I'm terrified of the results. I stand at the brink of divorce after only two years. I stand, with a two year old wonder I call Emma grasping my hand and looking up at me with no clue of her fate. It's gut wrenching. I have no forum, no true friends to talk to where I live, here in this Deutschland of the many and superficial.
So, here I am on my first blog. Those straws I spoke of earlier dance in my head and crowdsurf through my brain with one bodyslam after another. I can't remember a day without a headache lately. I have so many choices, and I bristle at making them. If it were just me, standing on the brink of individualism again, I would have no problem. I'd welcome the jump. This rough introspection would barely wet my eyes, but it's not just me. This toddler looks at me with those glowing crystals and I'm decimated with fear. How will I feed her? Where will we live? Where will I get a job?
So, here I am on my first blog. I'm not a loser. I have a degree, three actually and soon a fourth. I have a great career in the AF and lots of work experience. So why am I so afraid? The unknown is such an awful monster under your bed. I guess what I really need to do is look under the bed, face the demon, and pick a fucking straw.
So, my first blog is done. Thanks KH.